A Brother's Arms

[Lugiasian]

Raindrops fall upon her face again
She couldn't get to sleep 'till a quarter past eleven
True kindness to her was nothing but a blur
It feels as if it's always raining down on her
But then she looked up and then she saw
She saw a sight words cannot draw
She saw his eyes, blue like the ocean
Long hair flying gracefully with the slightest motion
And then within his arms he held her
He wiped away her tears and whispered,
"No monster or insult or irritating blister
Can ever do harm to my little sister."

*le gasp* Lugiasian rhymed. =-O

Yah, kinda sucky, but meh. I wrote it in school.....during standardized test breaks. ^^;

[PKS LeeTupper]

Awww... That's a really sweet poem, steph, though it seems a few of your rhymes were quite forced. The last line at the end feels really campy, but also really adds to the atmosphere. 80/100

[Prof. Cinders]

Wouldn't it be easier to write 8/10, or 4/5 Lee?

Anyways, cool poem there. I like the image of rain and water in general, even if water types bug me. Why does this poem remind me of someone...?

Overall, 8/10. The length of the lines needs a bit of synchronising, is all really.

[baratron]

Raindrops fall upon her face again
She couldn't get to sleep 'till a quarter past eleven
Heh - why pick "eleven" when "ten" rhymes perfectly well with "again"? (At least in my version of British English). Alternatively, if 10:15pm is too early for the girl in the poem to be stressed, "'till three a.m.".

True kindness to her was nothing but a blur
It feels as if it's always raining down on her
Hmm... a bit of tense confusion here I feel. That "feels" should probably be "felt", and "It felt like it's always raining down on her" would scan better than "as if".

But then she looked up and then she saw
She saw a sight words cannot draw
I don't like the repetition of "she saw". You could replace the second line with something like "A sight so special words alone cannot draw", to further convey the idea that mere words aren't enough to describe the image.

But it's not a sucky poem :). If you want to see sucky poetry, you need to read some of the truly awful stuff I wrote when I was a depressed teenage goth - argh argh.

[Yoshimitsu27]

But it's not a sucky poem :). If you want to see sucky poetry, you need to read some of the truly awful stuff I wrote when I was a depressed teenage goth - argh argh.

POST IT! *Devil smilie*

[PKS LeeTupper]

Depressed Teenage Goths ruined poetry for Lee. Too many friggin' people using the same fecking imagery ripped off from the same music...

Otherwise, I'd write more poetry. My style is a free verse, sorta like haiku without any constraints.